By Nihal Anishetty
I bought a dozen eggs today. But Nihal, you find yourself asking, how on Earth are you going to eat twelve whole eggs by yourself? Well, my interruptive readers, I don’t plan on eating the eggs: I plan on breaking them. Cracking them with one hand, to be more precise. There was an old Disney channel movie in which the main character was trying to win some cooking competition. He may have also had a basketball game the same day, I don’t really remember. Anyway, this kid’s main trick was that he could crack an egg into a pan with only one hand. Please note he was not one-handed, he was just a show-off punk kid. And I want to be that show-off punk kid.
Alright, grasp the egg with my thumb and second finger on one side, and my third and fourth finger on the other, pressing it into my palm. Easy. I could’ve bought only one egg. Now, gently crack the egg against an edge. Okay, gently move my hand forward, not too hard but hard enough to crack. Gently, gently…
Egg 1 was really a learning experience. I’m sure I’ll get it this time. Position egg between thumb and second, and third and fourth. Don’t grasp the egg so hard this time. Now tap it on an edge... Didn’t crack, maybe a little harder this time. Still didn’t. Probably should grasp it a little bit harder.
Those eggs were defective. This third one, though, this third one feels right. It’s going to crack right into the pan, easy as cake. Or easier, haha, cooking humor. Alright, just pick up the egg being careful not to drop…
Fuck this, fuck eggs, fuck food, fuck Disney, fuck you, and fuck me.
Are you there God? It’s me, Nihal. Or you can call me Chris if that’s easier to pronounce. Now, I don’t ask you for much, so you must know how important this is. In fact, I’ll make a deal with you. If you let me crack an egg one-handed, just one egg, you can have my other hand. I’ll throw in my roommate’s hand too. Hell, you can have both his hands. Just let me crack this egg. Please.
Why do I even try? Why am I even here? Why did I get out of bed today? It clearly wasn’t worth it. I should just go lie down and never wake up, let myself be swallowed by the eternal emptiness of existence. I guess that’ll happen lying down or standing up...
Maybe I should try one more egg.
No way I’m accepting this. I am a goddamn prince, a golden God. Men tremble when I so much as glance at them. Civilizations rise and fall at my whim. Earthquakes and tidal waves are merely my play things. I am all-powerful, the alpha and the omega. I am death, destroyer of worlds. There’s no depth I cannot reach, no mountain I cannot climb, nothing I cannot do. But I swear, if this egg doesn’t crack into the pan, well, I will BURN THIS ENTIRE BUILDING TO THE GODDAMN GROUND.
Okay, let’s take a deep breath. We all say things in the moment that we don’t mean. I thought it was pretty clear that I was being hyperbolic, that I had no intention of actually committing arson. But I do apologize, Fire Marshall Peters, to you and to all the people that heard me screaming out my window. It won’t happen again. And yes, I promise not to crack anymore eggs. And yes, I’ll seek counseling.
You can do this. It’s not hard. Just believe in yourself and you can do this. Place the egg between the thumb and second finger, and third and fourth finger, pressing it firmly but gently into the palm. Now, with caution, tap the egg against the edge. 3…2…1… YES. It cracked without breaking. Hell yeah. Now I just have to ease the top half of the shell away from the bottom over the pan and…
I misplaced eggs 10-12 against my kitchen wall. Should probably clean that up. Anyway, I decided it’s a waste of time to crack an egg with one hand when I can just as easily use two. In fact, it’s probably better to use two. It shows grace and precision, a respect for the craft. Besides, the guy from that movie sucked and from what I can remember the film ends with him dying after a shard of eggshell burrows through his eye and reaches his brain. So at least I don’t have to worry about that.