Restaurant workers don’t get paid a lot.  In fact, considering the overwhelming stress, oppressive heat, and um...intellectual diversity they encounter, $60 a night can be far too little.  Many have experienced this phenomenon, but only the sly and ethically questionable decide to take matters into their own hands, often literally.  By stealing food from the kitchen, workers are simply boosting their wages to the level they feel is deserved.  The downside to this operation lies in the risk of a job loss (read zero wages).  That’s why I’m here to enlighten the darker path to job satisfaction and satiation.

Peril usually lies in stealing expensive items, so for the concerned or cowardly, bread and soup will be the best options.  Slicing bread and dousing it in olive oil or Frank’s Red Hot will rarely bring about punishment, and, if it does, simply throw it away until your manager’s not looking.  For soup, just walk back into the kitchen and fill a soufflé cup, taking care not to sear your throat while you guzzle down that luscious calm chowder.
As a cook, options are plentiful, and my personal favorite is to intentionally cook too much food during a rush.  Throw some extra shrimp into the sauté pan or cook two too many burgers.  

This is easy to pass off as a mistake and only the most principled of bastard managers will make you throw away food after having kicked out so much.

Deliberately screwing up an order lies higher on the risk/reward scale, but that whole pizza with onions (when the customer expressly indicated their allergy to them) can taste as good as that blue boy (or girl, sorry male readers) Avatar looks.  In a previous job, I saw a cook with a death wish prepare a table’s six prime ribs (yes, a table ordered six slices of prime rib) medium instead of medium rare or rare.  He was instructed to throw them away, but kept five and enjoyed some delicious high quality meat for the next few days.  Unfortunately for him, those days did not include work, as he was suspended for his utter stupidity.

If not getting fired was on the x axis of a graph and gratification were on the y axis, I feel that stealing food straight from the cook’s lines would have the largest area beneath its point.  Every restaurant has an area in the kitchen containing the ready to go food that often covers salads or is served as a side.  So when you see those grilled slices of chicken breast glaring at you from their compartment only an arm’s length away, don’t hesitate to swoop in and cram a handful into your mouth.  After all, you’ve worked hard and you deserve the necessary reimbursement.

(But don’t steal silverware, that’s low.)